::Wo hen guai!::

Life's a showbiz

Sometimes I feel as though I'm in a showbiz. Everything's fake. I think I've just lost myself in this world.

What I say doesn't reflect what I think. What I think may not even reflect what I believe. What I believe may not be what I feel and what I feel is not even reflected on my face. I'm bloody irritated by hell lot of people. and I do mean LOTS. I don't know what I'm doing these days. I can't stand being around people who can't cope with stress. Stop spreading those stress bugs around. It's fuckingly annoying. I may choose to ignore stuff but that doesn't mean it won't get to me. I'm not even enlightened for goodness sake. I just have no idea who to share those stuff with.

Being happy everyday is goddamn tiring. Am I even REALLY happy? So sick n tired of all that serious stuff that's going around and making a stupid joke out of everything like some immature clown. I have no idea what's going on with my life. I can't even love myself. To think I just told someone not long ago "U gotta learn to love urself before others can love u".

I absolutely cannot stand my behaviour now. There's no place for me to release that rubbish within me because I'm supposed to be a young adult now. To make things worse, I shun away from people when I'm depressed and then I'll feel unloved. What rubbish is this?! I never knew how to tell people what are my problems exactly and how do I feel. I've somehow trapped myself behind the wall that I've built. I wanna break open my brain and see exactly what's going on in the puny brain of mine. Don't even talk about the heart, I don't think I have one.

I feel like some idiot when I get annoyed by people. I get even more upset when people give me that "why are you behaving this way" look. I'm totally oppressed, repressed, suppressed and definitely depressed. I'm not some rebel but can't I just stop being nice and good. Why must I even think about others for everything that I do. Why can't people think for themselves too. Yar and when people ask me, "who has not offended u yet?" with that amused face, half the time I just wanna slap their faces. When I'm piss, I'm piss. Don't test water and joke about it.

Life is totally showbiz like these days. Patronising people whom I don't even wanna look at. Listening to stuff that I don't even wanna know. Making casual yet unsincere conversation is NOT my thing. I don't even wanna xu1 han2 wen4 nuan3 with people I couldn't be bothered with. Concern about people who couldn't even be bothered with you or just indulging in self-pity or just plain dumb. I'm sick of the guessing game and the competition too. I just want THE friends. At this rate, I think may end up friendless soon.

Not mugging today. Sick of it. Just wanna be left alone or praying that some of my better friends will call me to go out. Get me out of here. Actually the stuff that I wanna do are just read (novels, not notes), shop online, watch vcd, play the piano, go kbox and sing my lungs out, BADMINTON! or just sleep. Even playing squash sounds alot better than study, go sch.
-xin-
you sing!

2:50 pm

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